Some strong contractions came around Thursday afternoon and into the evening, but really not close together or birthy. Monifa, a friend of mine from La Leche League was coming over with her 6 week old son who was born at home. I had called Kristen (my midwife) earlier to discuss some goo I was experiencing, hoping it was normal or maybe even a sign of labor. This was my due date, everyone said not to expect labor that day.
As I relaxed with my friend and her son, nursing my 22 month old boy, Tristan... the contractions picked up a little but again nothing birthy. Karl and then Kristen showed up while my friend was here, Kristen knew my friend Monifa from within the homebirth collective.
Everything seemed healthy to Kristen. She advised me to eat and rest and that is what I tried to do. Karl got mexican food from down the street. Resting- that part didn't work out so well. The pains were too heavy and steady to sleep thru. I laid down in bed and dealt with them while Karl slept and Tristan nursed; After awhile I was tired enough to fall asleep between them. At around 4 am Karl and I both were awake, so we just got up and started our day. The pains were still strong, but I was discouraged and felt like this must not be it. A little later i began having diarrhea and vomitting- that encouraged me but was also not pleasant. I spoke to Kristen a couple of times on the phone. Tristan's labor had been sudden and quite fast. What was this?
All day I labored. We went on a few walks outside in the sun, ran some errands. We must have looked odd, stopping every few minutes so I could hang on Karl or a gate or a parking meter and get through a contraction. It is sort of silly to be in labor out in public, but honestly it didnt matter where I was. I wanted to pass time, get through this part, move on.
In the afternoon I called Kristen completely heartbroken. the contractions were still there but not very close together. I became fearful that this wasn't going anywhere and it was all a waste of energy. It had already been so hard, and it was nothing like my son's labor, I didnt understand it. a huge part of my mind was reserved for worrying it would stop and I would have to do all this work all over again. I remember asking her, "Could this go on for days!?", and I don't remember her saying no. She said she would be over in 20 minutes to see how things were.
While I was waiting for her to come, the contractions stopped. I felt a failure. She came and I had a couple as she settled in and we chatted. She checked my vitals, my pee and such... like a prenatal visit. when it came time to check my cervix (at my request) I was waiting for the bad news. But no! She said I'd done good work, things were happening, I would be having my baby! (I didnt realize until later that she hadn't told me how many centimeters or anything.)
The contractions immediately picked up the pace. I didn't make the connection right away, that her encouragement had allowed my labor to move onto the next stage. I really think that the first day of this labor was emotional labor... getting past the expectations I had and moving on, letting this be a new birth. Of course it was incredible physical work as well.
I was laboring in the bathroom, on my knees supporting myself over the tub, standing leaning over the sink, they were coming fast and hard now. Kristen changed places with Karl and told me she needed to start setting up her supplies. I remember saying "You're staying?" I still didn't believe that this was it, even though I was obviously in active labor and would give birth less than 4 hours later.
Calls were made, the people who were attending showed up here and there. The second midwife: Danu, was there for obvious reasons. My friend Christine, as support and photographer. Another friend Victoria with her 2 1/2 yr old son Griffin came to support me and be with Tristan. My birth team was incredible. Kristen and Danu were an awesome couple, they truly belonged in the room. I had been warned not to have too many people- but everything was perfect. My friends and partner and midwives and children all belonged there, I needed them. I know I could have birthed without them all, but i am glad they were there.
I needed focus and I needed people to hold onto me. I couldn't labor alone. I spoke to my daughter the whole time, through each contraction I called to her and cheered her and myself on and tried to at least sound strong to convince myself I could do this- living the moment when I could hold her.
At the time that Kristen first checked my progress, she had felt baby was slightly posterior. Some position changes (lunging between contractions) must have turned her a bit and let her present better. Labor was increasing very quickly. I could feel my cervix opening... the pain of this labor was immense. WIth Tristan I was out of my mind- it really was as if I was on mind altering drugs. This birth was incredibly sober- I was present for every sensation... there was no mental escape, I felt no "Laborland"... I think this was because I wasn't afraid in the same way. I was at home. With people that love me.
My mind was free to pore over the facts of this labor that I was doing. I spoke all my issues out loud to deal with the pains. I said , "These are only sensations. They cant hurt us. They go through us and do their work and they go away. We cant hold onto them, they just go away". I thought of all the women who had done it before. I sweated and stared at my hands as they twisted the quilt on the bed and waited for moments to pass in what seemed perfect silence except for my voice.
All through the labor I felt her move inside of me... kicking and turning and even at one point having the hiccups. She was active and aware and she helped me through it. Her heartbeat was steady and perfect .
I needed to move. I labored in the doorway, on the bed, on the ball leaning into Karl's lap. Everyone was there. Christine was taking pictures after having taken Tristan out for a bit- I couldn't handle Tristan at all. His cry made me feel desperate. Victoria came and took Tristan out for a walk with his buddy and to get ice cream. They were gone for most of the labor, checking in from time to time. I clearly remember them coming in at one point, and Tristan running over to my naked breasts to nurse a bit on each one.
The position I was in as I neared what would be transition was a sitting one- I sat at the edge of my low futon and leaned my head into Karl's lap as he sat on a sturdy chair. the midwives sat on either side of me and I felt their hands on my back supporting me. In between pains all would be quiet and I looked around at my birth team. Peering from where my head was buried in Karl's shoulder, I reached out my hand to Christine. She smiled at me. I wanted to find peace in labor. Nothing felt right, though, it all felt wrong and unbearable and I vocalized this over and over, at first speaking powerful phrases and slowly drifting into powerless babble over the course of a contraction. I felt like I had a big roadblock to overcome- I didnt want it to hurt anymore, I knew it had to. I didnt want to have to do the rest of the work. But I wanted to meet my girl.
The midwives consulted a bit, and gave me a homeopathic remedy (Pulsatilla) that seemed to immediately take effect and let me move forward.
Its a little funny to me how my mind worked in labor. But whatever I thought and felt worked itself out, eventually, and my body opened to let my daughter out. I felt every moment of it, and every moment in between, and I simply tried to survive it. Making sound, lots of sound. Reminding myself what the end result would be. It is so interesting how acknowledging pain doesn't lessen it, it feels as if all humankind's wisdom is useless against it- I looked at it and said, you cant hurt me, and yet it hurt really badly. I've now seen first hand that logic has no place in birth.
The contractions were huge and solid and bigger than me in a way I can't describe. Long, long, long... as they ended my upper body became weightless and I felt as if I was dying. This feeling was not unpleasant at all. My arms and chest were light and tickled and tingled and I became breathless. I could feel the sweat on my skin cool. I said, I know there is heaven in this. I feel like I am going away. I was powerless, an object on the sand at the beach washing around, unable to resist, just staying afloat.
Victoria returned with Tristan and her son. Their timing was perfect. I didn't see them, I was consumed.
The midwives said, you have to move forward, there isn't room for your baby to be born here. (I was on the edge of the bed.) They helped me move forward onto my knees with my upper body still laying in Karl's lap. I thought, what is the rush here, my baby will never be born.
They helped me forward, and the force rose in my body and she was coming. I didnt push- I witnessed my body's work. My water broke, time froze and crept with each contraction and she was born eight minutes later, suddenly, on the rug by my bed. I lifted her between my legs and laid her on my chest. She barely squealed.
Her eyes opened. She was mine, all the work and pain was gone. I felt like I woke from a dream. Suddenly I saw everyone around me.
Oh! my perfect baby! Finally! The moments after she came are perhaps the best way to show the difference between home and hospital birth- I pulled her up between my own legs, she was never taken from me. It was my time. The midwives were so respectful of us, coming with blankets to put over her and changing the pads underneath me, but not interfering with the wonderfully Holy thing that was happening. I was looking into my daughter's eyes, she seemed to have always been here. Her smell filled the room. I was empowered, allowed to bask in this moment of glory with my baby. Every mother deserves it.
My baby girl began to nurse right away. Seeing this, Tristan ran over and put his mouth to my free breast- but then immediately pulled off and gagged saying "be yucky!" - I had blood on my nipples and hadn't noticed. It took him a while to forgive me. He was confused and a little scared by the umbilical cord. After I moved to the bed from the floor he pointed to the place on the rug where she came out and said over and over, "I see a baby there! I see a baby there!".
In the time after the birth I was thrilled and excited, but also cold and hungry. The placenta was born, they cleaned me and checked me and brought new blankets for my girl. I ate a fresh peach and some oatmeal. I was able to take a shower after some time- a real shower in my own bathroom! Everyone gathered around me and praised the work I had done in labor. With my son, I had been alone so soon after his birth. This time, I was surrounded! It was perfect! I am in awe of birth in a new way. Tristan's birth was mostly a physical experience- the hospital environment forced me to be on guard and didn't give me the space to feel the spiritual transformation that was occurring. Sappy, cliche, whatever, I feel as if I had to go to heaven to claim Kassi, that I had to abandon my body a little, and now she is here, and I am so blessed.
All was well, Kassiopeia Saffron Rose O'Melay is here. 7 pounds and 10 ounces, she was born at 8:19 pm on the 18th of June. All our waiting was over. We climbed into our bed and we slept. I had a homebirth, I did it. As I write this Kassi is 3 days, 11 hours, and 2 minutes old.
No comments:
Post a Comment