Anatoly's Birth

i was 39 weeks pregnant. this time i hadn't suffered quite as much from the wait, the way that time drags out at the end. but i was ready, willing to have my baby now. my pregnancy was unassisted- i had very limited prenatal care, just the care i chose. it was a very liberating choice. my power as bearer of this child grew and was reinforced because i didn't give my role to anyone else. i grew him and i would birth him in the safety of my own home, with the people i love nearby. it felt so right.

the day i began to labor with anatoly, i really wasn't expecting anything. i felt a little ill, but karl had just gotten through a stomach flu and i worried i had it now. i had just finished a very special knitting project the day before, a cardigan for myself and the largest project i had ever undertaken. i thought i had more time- time to sew on the buttons, for example! i had a lazy day and in the evening, a little crampy belly action. still i wasn't suspicious.

late in the night the crampiness became contractions. even then, i didn't believe it. i watched some silly show on TV while the kids and karl slept and i couldn't stop laughing at the terrible humor. i should have suspected something! i was giggly. eventually, i woke up karl and said, almost afraid it would jinx me, i think i am in labor. he asked if i wanted him to get the tub going and i said no. birth seemed impossible, a long way off. this was probably just a warm up for next week, anyway.

but it wasn't, and i found myself starting a hot bath to soak in, try to stop the warm up. i put a few drops of ylang-ylang oil in. it had to be real at this point. water over my hands, diversion. labor is painful for me. my belly felt sore here and there and i took some arnica. somewhere in there, kassiopeia (2 years old) woke up. karl put in anastasia, her most recent favorite film. my body began to empty itself, and being on the potty wasn't comfortable. i went back to the living room for contractions, kneeling in front of a wooden rocker, rocking it in front of me during the peak.

one thing i want to write right now before i forget is that i had this ball of yarn out to try to teach tristan (4 years old) to finger knit. my friend margo sent it to me. in what must have been active (maybe 5cm, guessing?) labor, it was sitting right in the rocking chair i was kneeling in front of, and several times i held it and squeezed it in my hands, feeling the texture of the wool. and i thought about margo, who had sent it to me, and thought about how she had her baby at home, and how i knew she would be thinking of me and wishing me strength. margo isn't the only friend i drew strength from in labor, but i wanted to share this little tidbit because it was so spontaneous, natural. with no midwife or doula or even karl to direct my soul-searching in labor, this is what my heart came up with. i thought of my friends.

when i was a young girl i had a lot of trouble falling asleep. negative thoughts filled my head and kept me up. back then i did this thing in my head where i would let my thoughts come, and each one would fly through me like train cars passing. at first you are more awake and eventually you run out of thoughts, as they pass so quickly and you don't allow any one to have time to build. i have never used this in labor before, but this time it came naturally. my thoughts would flood my head and sometimes they were negative. worry about the pain, how can i do this, when will it end, what if something is wrong, i don't ever want to do this again, etc. i decided these were not productive, healthy thoughts and the train cars took them away from me. they would pop back in, and i would send them off again. many contractions of this.

the pool was a safe place. karl got it about 1/2 full and i needed to get in. it was fine this way- really quite deep once it was full. the high sides of the pool (an aquadoula) created a cocoon for my labor. though i found drawbacks to laboring in the water (and birthing, too- more later) one of the big pluses was this safety zone. when my kids ran, ecstatic, up to me to visit, the barrier was appreciated. they stood by the side and asked, "is baby coming out yet?" no, no, not yet. sometimes i held on the sides in a deep squat, sometimes i floated on my side. many times i got out and knelt by the pool, as i needed to cool off. we never turned on the heater, i was generally too hot. the pool was in a dark recessed area by a big window and it was perfect there. for some time i had the window open and i heard the crickety sounds of outsideness.

it was instinctual for me to feel inside my yoni between contractions, and i felt the bag of waters as i dilated. at first it was soft and squishy but as i became complete the pressure made it hard, and behind the bag was baby's head. i wondered when it would break for about 5 or 6 contractions and then it did, with an underwater pop. things felt good for awhile. the relief that i was progressing to a new stage invigorated me. karl came in to check on me and i told him the water had broken.

in my past 2 labors i had a crazy transition, the kind you read about, where every woman begs for drugs or says they cant do it- the final centimeters of dilation being contractions that don't have an end or break, right before pushing. anatoly's birth had no transition. from the beginning, the pains were further apart, always 2 or 3 minutes (i didn't time them). time to think, time to rest, time to move and change position. i felt my dilation and knew i was complete when the water broke. my body had begun pushing softly at the end of each contraction, on its own. but there was no wild transition.

somewhere in here i asked karl if he thought it was taking a long time, if i should worry. i honestly had no idea how many hours i had been alone in the dark. he said, no, it has only been 3 hours. imagine that. i was in a time warp. for a second i reconsidered and thought, 3 hours since my water broke? no, 3 hours since i started giggling madly at bad comedy tv.

i liked the feeling of the contractions when they would be pushing contractions. at the beginning of each one it felt like opening pain, then towards the end they became pushy. i could feel the wrinkled skin of baby's head. but he didn't descend at all- for what seemed like a long time. (again, time warp!) in my head i started to worry. my fleeting thoughts would include ones like "what if i pushed too soon?" "am i sure i am complete, how can i know?", doubts that made me feel like i should have an expert there to tell me what to do. i knew this was unproductive from the start, though, and sent those bad thoughts off on the train to a new destination. they kept coming back, and i kept fighting them off. for several contractions here i let my body go, i lay back loose in the pool and floated. it was good and bad- i felt like i had nothing solid to touch, which was true. but it also helped me to regain energy for more squatting.

with all my mental energy used up in worry, i started to listen to my body. i felt i needed to change positions. i got out of the tub and labored on my hands and knees for a couple of contractions, then on my left side with the birth ball between my legs, opening them. this wasn't changing anything so i did something i thought impossible, i walked across the house with a baby in my pelvis. i hung from a copper pipe/ bar above a doorway for two contractions, swaying and pulling. after that, i knew i could go back to the tub and i did. anatoly was born very soon after.

i was surprised, though, back in the water, at how quickly things changed. i was out of breath and scared, holding back because the pushing became intense and long. i have never experienced orgasmic birth, but at this point the peak of contractions was something beyond pain, the opposite of pain, somewhere on the other side of a circular scale, hard to put into words. my exhaustion was exhilarating. i needed to call karl in, the baby was coming. it took awhile to come up with the breath to say 'karl' weakly. somehow he heard me and came in. baby *was* coming, and the pain and pressure and force of it was like nothing else. it was hugely emotional, as i wanted to hide from the out-of-controlness and couldnt. my body did this, and i just witnessed it. one contraction and his head was there, the next and it popped out quickly. with one hand under the water i felt him move his head from side to side, and then he wriggled his shoulders, turning them. the width of his body was out of me, and he kicked with his feet to come out. i felt him! karl pulled him up from the water as he slipped out, and he was covered in thick vernix.

the light was really low, but i could see him and karl and i held him to my chest. the cord was so short i could hardly do that. karl called the kids in, and in they ran to see the baby. everything was fast and slow, baby anatoly making squeeky sounds. i attempted to suck at his mouth and nose to see if he had any mucous in his way but he didnt. he took some good breaths and made a little cry. karl gave me a chair in the water and i sat on it, holding toly while he found blankets and a hat. it had been only minutes and my placenta was coming. i barely caught it in a bowl, saved it from the water. baby seemed so small and so did the placenta.

as i tried to get out of the tub, i had some shock- chattering and shaking like i havent before. ( karl took a sharp knife to the placenta and cut the tiniest sliver for under my tongue. i also took cinnamon tincture, it was hard to tell about the blood loss because of the water.) i needed help to stand and move to the couch. karl bundled me and put woolen socks on my feet and i warmed up right away. tristan helped him cut the cord once it was limp. it was amazing to see that the cord was still pulsing long after the placenta was out of me.

giving birth without an audience. being alone was right for me. karl came in to check on me here and there, adding water to the tub or bringing a towel or water. he would ask how i was, did i need anything. but that was all and it was all i needed. i could hear him and the kids in the house and it comforted me just enough. mostly i wanted aloneness and quietness and darkness. this was the first birth that i spent absolutely no time in worrying what people thought of me. never once did i feel ugly, or gross, or ashamed. i was secure because karl loves me, and my children love me, more than anyone has ever loved me. karl has helped deliver all three of our children from my body. it was so right. another thing missing from this experience was trauma. there was pain and doubt and all sorts of things, but no trauma, no wounds to my psyche or body. nothing happened that my body and spirit were not intricately designed to handle. right now i am 2 weeks out from the birth and it is like a perfect dream, sometimes i wonder if it happened already and how it is possible that it is in the past.

this birth was a most treasured experience. everything about it was normal and human and filled with love. we named our third child Anatoly Gustav Wren O'Melay. he was born in the water at 4:01 am after about 4 hours of labor. 8 pounds, 6 ounces. perfect in every way.

the grand design is that i dont need anything for birth. my body gives birth and my spirit falls in love with my child so fiercely that i would die to protect him. it is a perfect design. participation in it is not optional-- this happened to me over and over, now 3 times, and each time a miracle.