Georgiana's Birth

An unassisted solo homebirth en caul

This was not an easy pregnancy, but I had been wanting this baby for so long. I had hoped and prayed and even given up on prayer for awhile. Then it happened: Karl and I finally were in agreement about having another baby. When we conceived, I was overjoyed. So were our four other children who are 5, 7, 9, and 11.

The impatience I felt near my due date was of a different sort than in times past. Since Rome's birth 5 years ago, dear friends had a baby born still–our first experience with such grief so close to us. I didn't realize until I was term with Georgiana that a worry had been growing in me that she would die before birth. I became increasingly frantic for the birth to happen the closer I was to the due date, just to know the outcome. I became obsessed with making sure she was kicking, and full of fear when I would wake at night and not feel her straight away. It was a very helpless feeling, and it came to a head the night before her birth when I woke unable to feel her move for over a half hour. I felt we had lost her and was completely irrational with grief. Luckily Karl maintained calm and found our stethoscope. He quickly found her heartbeat, like tiny horse hooves in our ears. 

I had warm ups for a week before the birth. Contractions would come in 2 hour stretches but die off and let me rest. Karl reminded me during this time that this was a good thing, getting a lot of the work done in spurts with rest. But the tease of this early labor combined with my fears was a strain on my heart.

The night she was born the 'false labor' crept up again in the afternoon. It was 4:00pm when I called Karl and asked him to come home. The activity wasn't regular or increasing but the kids were getting on my nerves, being very rambunctious. He got home by 4:30 but it didn't help my emotional state. I started to feel overwhelmed and upset, not with him or the kids... more with the waiting and myself. I was in a horrible mood and decided to get some air. Kassi (my 9 year old daughter) and I walked the block. She picked daffodils and narcissus. My mood was slightly improved when we got home. It was starting to rain.

The kids were watching Star Wars Episode 6. I danced in the kitchen during the Jabba's Palace musical number. It was like every night before it with those warm up contractions, and I felt very much as though it would stop at any moment. It was 6:00pm.



I was cold from the walk so I ran a hot bath.  I was also hoping that a bath might calm my uterus. I considered having a glass of wine for the same effect, but didn't. After bathing I laid in bed, now watching Doctor Who and feeling sorry for myself. Hey, it's just the truth. Then I decided to turn on the sound recordings of Vigil I had ready for labor. I listened to part of the cheesefare Vigil we had missed days before. I was but feeling really reclusive and wanted to be alone.

I said that the tightening I was feeling was not regular or organized. It was also asymmetrical- I was feeling it only on the left side of my body. It was strange. So after a bit I went to the spinning babies site to see if there was anything I could do to fix that. While there was nothing specific, I tried one trick they mentioned- applying inward and upward pressure to my uterus during the small contractions. This is supposed to apply the baby's head more evenly to the cervix. It did help, and though they didn't pick up they began to feel symmetrical when they did come. Something I did to the iPad while looking this up broke my iTunes which was feeding from our shared library. Karl tried to fix it for me but eventually I told him I no longer cared about it. 

Around this time I got out of bed and lit a candle from The Meeting of the Lord in front of the icon of Saint George. I remember thinking we'd need more candles than the three I had saved. I said O Heavenly King and made a firm effort to change my mood. 8:00pm.

O Heavenly King, the Comforter, the Spirit of Truth, Who art everywhere present and fillest all things; Treasury of Blessings, and Giver of Life - come and abide in us, and cleanse us from every impurity, and save our souls, O Good One.

From this point I only have evidence in the form of time stamps of how things progressed. In my head it was much longer. Time warp. At 8:05 pm I began to throw up. Karl got me a bowl and I said "This could be it. Right?" I checked my cervix- it was the same as all week- but I was bleeding. Ok, bleeding is a sign. It could happen tonight or tomorrow. I emailed a friend and posted an update to a private circle on Facebook for the birth. "This is it. Pray for me."  8:11 pm.

I threw up until my stomach was empty, drinking a lot of water in between. Then it was just water and stomach acid. I was having regular contractions now, between urges to throw up. The vomiting must have been bringing them on stronger. Very soon I knew beyond a doubt it was real. They became very painful. I struggled to remember their purpose and allow them to happen without resistance. They felt very intense and different from previous labors. They hurt from their very beginning, pulling upwards from the line of my pubic bone. As they became even more intense, I could feel them as a tearing sensation. I tried to think of opening images and say "Open, open, open." as they peaked. The opening image that came to me was the veil at the iconostasis being pulled aside. 

The Royal Doors at our Church.

It was impossible to relax entirely as my back muscles would not listen to me- my lower back was especially tense. Still, I tried. I started with my extremities and let each part relax, moving close and closer to my center. I said various short prayers during labor as well, the shortest being the easiest to complete between contractions that were at the very most a minute apart. "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner." Quickly became "Have mercy" and no more.  O Heavenly King devolved into just word phrases until I was just thinking the prayers and visualizing the curtain being pulled across when they open the doors.

It was impossibly painful. I want to accentuate this not to seek pity or scare other women. This was my fifth baby, I knew It would hurt. But this was different. It was rending and unceasing. It was all of the work of my previous labors compacted into a span of minutes that I still cannot believe was so short. How many contractions could there really have been in that time? It felt timeless, endless. I didn't even find opportunity to complete my own thoughts.

I labored on my side in the bathtub, on my knees right outside the bath with my hands draped in the water, standing leaning over the sink with cold water over my hands, and sitting on the toilet leaning back, with my hands stretched out in front clinging to the ends of a bath towel wrapped about a rack so it could bear my weight. I have never sat upon the toilet in labor before but it felt right. Karl came in and said, "I love you." I could only muster, "Okay." But I felt grateful for him coming in. I had all the doors closed to keep the heat in.

I prayed in between pains for an easier or shorter one, just one, to give me a moment to recover, but this did not happen. They became longer, stronger, closer together and nigh unbearable.  I had no idea that it had only been 30 minutes since I felt this to be real labor.

I checked my progress and felt about 5cm. I moved to the floor, the toilet being too intense now. Kneeling on the rug with my arms across the cast iron tub, I felt a desire for the yoga ball as a softer thing to lean on. My arms were tired from clinging to the towel. 

I called for the ball.

No one heard me. A contraction came,

I called again. No answer. Another contraction. This time I felt a slight bearing down at the end. It felt good.

I called again this time screaming "I need the ball!" Contraction, a little pushy at the end.

Karl brought the ball. I told him, surprisingly lucid, I'm feeling a tad pushy at the end. 
I was thinking an hour or two off. Karl left. I think I waved him away as the next one loomed.
Karl checked the time, told me later 8:53pm.

Next contraction, I felt her descending. I couldn't say anything. The power of it was insanity. 
Lots of thoughts though, sped through my head:

How can this be?
Oh my God, she's being born.

More descent. Still no sounds could come out. I don't think I was breathing. I was leaning over the ball with my knees on the rug.

My body was pushing hers out. 

I'm not ready.
I'm all alone and they are all going to miss her birth.
I'm so grateful to be alone right now. 

She crowned, her head was born. Unmistakeable. I pushed the ball away, kneeling, and reached down. Her head was encased in the unbroken water. It was amazing to feel.

Without pause, her body was born. I caught her and pulled her up as I rested back on my heels. The water was unbroken around her but it burst as I pulled her up. An en caul birth.

As soon as she cried I was awoken out of my silence.

"She's here!" I proclaimed.

Karl was in within seconds. The open door allowed the kids to hear and enter. She was crying and sputtering. She was small and wet and beautiful. Everyone gathered around me. It had been 7 minutes since Karl delivered the yoga ball. It was 9:00pm.

She seemed so small and bright, very slippery but without much vernix. Her hands and feet were all wrinkled and peeling. Her eyes were red and puffy but the rest of her was bright and pale. I realized while I was trying to hold her more comfortably that her cord was around her ankle twice so I worked to free it and held her higher.

I apologized to the kids that I had not been able to call them in sooner. They handled it well, loving and touching on her and getting to experience so much of her as newly born. Rome was asleep. They woke him, but he would not really wake and was upset so they put him back in bed.

It was time for the placenta. In the tiny hall of the bathroom I could not kneel and slide the bowl under. I gave the baby to Kassi to hold, advising her not to tug the cord. The placenta was not coming easily, but then another portion of the amniotic membrane broke and water gushed. Placenta followed, and the clots of blood after. The kids were all surrounding me and they were all showered in blood as the afterbirth splattered into the bowl. Oops! They laughed. The mood was one of wonder and joy.

I took her back and she nursed immediately. The cord was white and Toly cut it with our help. She watched us, she was so awake. 

Anatoly cuts the cord.

Then more nursing. She would barely stop nursing for two days, barely sleeping and always sucking. Karl gave me a sharp knife and I cut a sliver from the placenta for under my tongue. He has done this himself in times past but the galley bathroom and crowding siblings made it impossible for him to get too near.

Getting me clean and to bed was hard. We had tons of chux this time but went through almost all just trying to deal with the blood. I bled all over everything! I went through a few pairs of panties trying to get them on and contain the bleeding. It wasn't excessive blood loss but poor planning on our part.  Eventually I just made up my bed with layers of chux and blankets. Wearing underpants or being super civilized about the bleeding was not going to work just yet.

8 pounds 5 ounces!

Being dressed for the first time.

Kassi is in love with her new sister.

We settled in, nursing. Eventually we dressed her for warmth. I ate a banana, a cup of Greek yogurt, and honey. My throat was raw from the vomiting and continued to be for 3 or 4 days.

Karl pours the champagne we had ready for the birth. The candle is still burning.

Everyone took turns holding her. Amazing daughter!

Georgiana Ethel Faye O'Melay was born en caul on March 3rd, 2014. She weighed 8lbs 5oz and was 20" inches long. I carried her to 40 weeks 3 days. We are all in awe of her. Brave girl, she was born of the most wild and fast labor of all, just me and her. I was speechless and shocked but it was all as it was meant to be. We were safe and protected for this Holy event, and I feel so blessed to have been once again spared the fear and danger that so many have superimposed over incredible, miraculous, human birth.

We blew out the candle. It wasn't even half burned when she came, and even at the hour the kids were ready to say goodnight and wait to see Georgi in the morning it was still burning.

Karl handled the cleanup like a pro. It was all laundry and some chux for the trash. The family slept. Georgi and I didn't. At around 2:00am I was suddenly cold and starving. I tried to get up but was shaking and chattering. Karl helped me get bundled and fed me hot cereal with honey and butter. It really helped.

Best Big Brother Ever!

The next day, Rome got to help trim the cord. We left it very long the first night.

Awhile after we returned to bed, Rome woke. I was concerned that he might be upset to have missed the birth entirely, but he wasn't. For him it has just happened. He got to meet Georgiana all by himself in our cozy bed. He stayed up for hours with us, holding her and discovering her. When morning came he ran upstairs to announce her to his older siblings who had of course already seen her. Even though they told him this, he didn't care. He kept on like she was his and his alone, offering his brothers and sister permission to touch her hands and feet. "Did you see her feet? They're the tiniest part!" I could not have arranged a better introduction for him to his new sister.

She is one week old tomorrow. I am still reeling from her birth. I try to imagine it each day, remember how it happened, because it seems so impossible. As always, she completes us. We cannot imagine life before Georgiana.

Georgiana Ethel Faye O'Melay, born 3/3/14

Romneya's Birth

I had been pregnant 3 times and birthed babies both 'early' and 'late' but it did not stop me from being insanely impatient as my due date approached this time. This pregnancy was physically my hardest. By the time I was due I was feeling very ready to be done. I was also very frightened of labor and birth. The anxiety came and went in waves. I hoped to feel very strong going into it. The last two weeks of pregnancy were full of warm-up labor in the night, leaving me wondering when the real thing would begin. This wasn't very good for my subconscious. It left me far too many waking hours in the night worrying about the pain to come and increasing my anxiety. When labor came I was 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

I was up the night before with warm-up labor, so Karl took that day off of work thinking the birth was soon. But by the morning it faded, so we spent the day running errands and preparing. I showed Karl how to milk the cow. By afternoon I was an emotional wreck, wishing for labor to start back up. A phone call to Phoebe, a dear friend and fellow unassisted homebirther, set me straight. By her suggestion, Karl took the kids to the creek down the road to give me some space. I was determined to use the time to get past the anxiety that I felt was building in my heart. I found tasks to occupy my hands and heart and while I cleaned the house labor crept up on me. By the time the crew got home it had begun. I would count the start of labor at 5:15pm, when the kids (Tristan, almost 6 - Kassiopeia, 4 - Anatoly, 19 months) piled into the house. I made a strong mental effort not to feel overwhelmed by their presence. Karl set them up in the playroom while I labored in the front of the house. The pain was intense and I knew I had come into labor at 5cm dilated and fully effaced. Still it was only an hour before I began to doubt my ability to give birth at home this time. It wasn't feeling right- particularly how baby was moving so desperately and constantly between contractions. The movement should have reassured me but it was too much and with each break between pains he writhed as if he were uncomfortable. I silently started fixating on leaving the house and going to the hospital. I tried and tried to wash the thought from my mind but it would not go away and eventually I called Karl in to hear me. I told him that I had this feeling we must go now, and as silly as it sounded I didn't want to ignore it. I felt very calm and certain, but I could not describe what I wanted the hospital to 'do' for me. The scariest thing was knowing I did not care what they did, the feeling of urgency was so overwhelming. The pains of labor were about 3 minutes apart max, and I was lucid between them. I had not checked my own progress because I believed I had made none.

Karl had me call Phoebe again. It was the best thing that could happen. Though she heard my resolve, she recognized immediately that I was in transition. She suggested it to me and I was adamant, 'No way! Nothing is happening down there!' And then she wanted to talk to Karl. I only heard his side of the phone call between pains. I remember feeling very violated that they were talking about me, talking about not letting me go to the hospital like I knew I needed to. Karl was more willing to believe I was in transition, and they decided together that we should wait a couple of hours to make a choice about the hospital. Karl was making dinner anyway . Phoebe was sure that I would have a baby in 2 more hours. (And she was correct!)

Feeling a little ignored, I took some Rescue Remedy and decided to start a bath. I thought, 'Well I am not driving to the hospital alone so I had better at least get comfortable.' We have a giant old cast iron bathtub that I thought I would give birth in this time. I made a warm tub and labored in it. I doubted I was making any progress in the way of dilation but I decided to check myself. Goodness! When I reached to feel all I felt was the bag of water, tight and ready to break! Phoebe was right. I never thought about the hospital again.

*Interestingly, though I had originally envisioned the birth in the tub, in the last days of pregnancy I started seeing it on dry land. I also had begun to see it happening during the day instead of the night.*

The Lion King was the movie of choice for the kids and I labored through the entire thing, hearing it between contractions . Hakuna Matata, anyone? Our milking cows were in the yard out the back door. I watched them graze between pains. The tub was great for deep squatting, laying back in to rest, and being on my knees hanging over the curved back of the tub, watching the water drip down the sides. In my mind, where most of the real work takes place for me, I had a strength unlike any of my previous labors. I was easily able to push away negativity and remind myself that I only had think about this contraction, not the next or the previous. I thought a lot about how in each labor I have felt I could not do it and how with each one I did it. I thought about my daughter's birth a lot. Compared to my other labors I was pretty quiet. Karl and the kids were occasionally passing through. There were farm chores being done, dinner was consumed- I was too busy to really notice. When the sounds of my home became to great, I reminded myself of my resolve to not be overwhelmed. I have never before been able to listen to myself like I did this time.

The tub's novelty wore off. I got out, laboring on the floor near it. Slowly my labor nest crept back into the front room where I could be in and out of the fan that was cooling the house. In during contractions, out between. Sometimes covered up in down comforters to warm up. the nest made its way over to a rocking chair in the corner. It included my favorite big long pillow and all our nicest bed linens. (Oops! Actually, I thought about ditching these things but couldn't get it done in time.) Suddenly, my water broke. I labored leaning into the rocker either on my knees or in a squat. I felt inside for progress after my water broke and had those two back-to-back contractions I always have at the end of dilation. This time I had my hand feeling at the same time and I felt the last rim of my cervix completely fade away. It was marvelous. And there was his wrinkled head, pretty high up. His movements between contractions had not stopped, but I had reached a new level of preoccupation with labor so it wasn't as worrisome to me.

It was getting darker, milking time, but Karl chose not to milk right then. I suppose he could tell things were nearing their end. My body was pushing but the pain was not going away between contractions. It was a sharp, burning pain high in my uterus and it would not quit. He kept moving and twisting, too. Baby's head was not making its descent and found myself not wanting to squat but to lay on my breasts with my behind in the air. I thought each time, 'This is stupid and not helping, why am I laying like this?', but I couldn't help it. I shifted between this position and laying on my left side. I noticed at some point that my blankets were spattered with red blood. This stage didn't take very long but it felt an eternity with the pain between and during. Tristan came in a few times to ask if baby was coming. Karl was outside with Anatoly on his back doing chores and Kassiopeia was asleep. Then, for reasons only he knows, Rome descended. The pushing by my body became tremendous. I moved into a sitting squat against the chair. I heard Karl come through the gate outside and I thought he wouldn't make it. He came in and passed through the house, I was too busy to say anything to him but he knew, he just needed to get the kids together. Baby came down and out and Karl missed the actual vision of the birth. With Anatoly still on his back he came in just as Rome's body slid out and Tristan was right there afterwards. There was no crowning or ring of fire, it was just incredible pushing and baby was out. He was covered with blood as I scooped him up.

Thank God! was all I could say. I said it over and over, maybe 20 times. I held him and touched him, my beautiful son.

Tristan said ' Welcome to the world, Rome!' as Karl got the birth kit with blankets. Tristan was touching the cord, really experiencing the birth. Then we noticed Rome had been followed by tons of already clotted blood and my placenta was already detached, right there. Tristan and Karl cut the cord. I immediately got the tinctures, took angelica, begged for a bowl to put the placenta in and went into shock. Blood was everywhere. I shook and chattered and was very afraid. They covered me in blankets. I don't know how long I shook for. I couldn't even hold our baby. Karl cut two slivers off of the placenta and I held them under my tongue. I will never forget that Tristan stood over me, rubbing my back and saying "It's going to be okay." Kassiopeia was awake by this point and sleepy, marveling in the baby. Rome cried a lot, but was pink pretty fast and seemed fine.

The blood gushed and didn't stop, even when I moved to the bed on the floor and was able to hold the baby. Later we would find it impossible to clean the carpet with peroxide as the blood would keep rising, seeping back into the rug from below. My home smells like rusty nails.

laying there I got him nursing and he didn't stop for a few hours. I was warmed up at last and my bleeding slowed. He was small, my smallest baby. So perfect! He was also our first dark-haired baby. Bliss! The stress of the bleeding washed away and we settled in as a family of 6.

This birth was my most difficult, and in the days after it became more clear why. As I write this I am 4 days postpartum and am feeling weaker every day instead of stronger. I lost a lot of blood, something I have to attribute to the placenta pulling away before baby was born. The pain I felt between contractions during pushing must have been related to this. The clotted blood and the placenta following him were part of it, too. Also, his bruises showed up. He had two little relief dents in his forehead the shape of his tiny fists- high in his hair- and two black bruises on his forearms where they must have bent over his head as my body tried pushing him downward. Perhaps this led to my desire to lay in a less-than-productive pushing position. Surely he corrected this before he finally came out, but truthfully I do not know because I didn't see him come out! It was so fast and I had my eyes closed. Rome's constant movement in labor must be related to these things, he was attempting to correct his presentation. Ultimately he knew just what to do and he came out fast and furious when he could. As frightening as these events were I do not trust birth less but more. Being home, we gave him the opportunity to be born just as he needed to be. As tired as I am from losing blood I am still here and soaking up every minute of his existence in our family. I will heal, we all will together.

Romneya Martin Grey O'Melay was born at 8:45 pm on the 29th of July, 2008. The labor was about 3 and a half hours in total. He was greeted by only his family in his new home. We love him.

Anatoly's Birth

i was 39 weeks pregnant. this time i hadn't suffered quite as much from the wait, the way that time drags out at the end. but i was ready, willing to have my baby now. my pregnancy was unassisted- i had very limited prenatal care, just the care i chose. it was a very liberating choice. my power as bearer of this child grew and was reinforced because i didn't give my role to anyone else. i grew him and i would birth him in the safety of my own home, with the people i love nearby. it felt so right.

the day i began to labor with anatoly, i really wasn't expecting anything. i felt a little ill, but karl had just gotten through a stomach flu and i worried i had it now. i had just finished a very special knitting project the day before, a cardigan for myself and the largest project i had ever undertaken. i thought i had more time- time to sew on the buttons, for example! i had a lazy day and in the evening, a little crampy belly action. still i wasn't suspicious.

late in the night the crampiness became contractions. even then, i didn't believe it. i watched some silly show on TV while the kids and karl slept and i couldn't stop laughing at the terrible humor. i should have suspected something! i was giggly. eventually, i woke up karl and said, almost afraid it would jinx me, i think i am in labor. he asked if i wanted him to get the tub going and i said no. birth seemed impossible, a long way off. this was probably just a warm up for next week, anyway.

but it wasn't, and i found myself starting a hot bath to soak in, try to stop the warm up. i put a few drops of ylang-ylang oil in. it had to be real at this point. water over my hands, diversion. labor is painful for me. my belly felt sore here and there and i took some arnica. somewhere in there, kassiopeia (2 years old) woke up. karl put in anastasia, her most recent favorite film. my body began to empty itself, and being on the potty wasn't comfortable. i went back to the living room for contractions, kneeling in front of a wooden rocker, rocking it in front of me during the peak.

one thing i want to write right now before i forget is that i had this ball of yarn out to try to teach tristan (4 years old) to finger knit. my friend margo sent it to me. in what must have been active (maybe 5cm, guessing?) labor, it was sitting right in the rocking chair i was kneeling in front of, and several times i held it and squeezed it in my hands, feeling the texture of the wool. and i thought about margo, who had sent it to me, and thought about how she had her baby at home, and how i knew she would be thinking of me and wishing me strength. margo isn't the only friend i drew strength from in labor, but i wanted to share this little tidbit because it was so spontaneous, natural. with no midwife or doula or even karl to direct my soul-searching in labor, this is what my heart came up with. i thought of my friends.

when i was a young girl i had a lot of trouble falling asleep. negative thoughts filled my head and kept me up. back then i did this thing in my head where i would let my thoughts come, and each one would fly through me like train cars passing. at first you are more awake and eventually you run out of thoughts, as they pass so quickly and you don't allow any one to have time to build. i have never used this in labor before, but this time it came naturally. my thoughts would flood my head and sometimes they were negative. worry about the pain, how can i do this, when will it end, what if something is wrong, i don't ever want to do this again, etc. i decided these were not productive, healthy thoughts and the train cars took them away from me. they would pop back in, and i would send them off again. many contractions of this.

the pool was a safe place. karl got it about 1/2 full and i needed to get in. it was fine this way- really quite deep once it was full. the high sides of the pool (an aquadoula) created a cocoon for my labor. though i found drawbacks to laboring in the water (and birthing, too- more later) one of the big pluses was this safety zone. when my kids ran, ecstatic, up to me to visit, the barrier was appreciated. they stood by the side and asked, "is baby coming out yet?" no, no, not yet. sometimes i held on the sides in a deep squat, sometimes i floated on my side. many times i got out and knelt by the pool, as i needed to cool off. we never turned on the heater, i was generally too hot. the pool was in a dark recessed area by a big window and it was perfect there. for some time i had the window open and i heard the crickety sounds of outsideness.

it was instinctual for me to feel inside my yoni between contractions, and i felt the bag of waters as i dilated. at first it was soft and squishy but as i became complete the pressure made it hard, and behind the bag was baby's head. i wondered when it would break for about 5 or 6 contractions and then it did, with an underwater pop. things felt good for awhile. the relief that i was progressing to a new stage invigorated me. karl came in to check on me and i told him the water had broken.

in my past 2 labors i had a crazy transition, the kind you read about, where every woman begs for drugs or says they cant do it- the final centimeters of dilation being contractions that don't have an end or break, right before pushing. anatoly's birth had no transition. from the beginning, the pains were further apart, always 2 or 3 minutes (i didn't time them). time to think, time to rest, time to move and change position. i felt my dilation and knew i was complete when the water broke. my body had begun pushing softly at the end of each contraction, on its own. but there was no wild transition.

somewhere in here i asked karl if he thought it was taking a long time, if i should worry. i honestly had no idea how many hours i had been alone in the dark. he said, no, it has only been 3 hours. imagine that. i was in a time warp. for a second i reconsidered and thought, 3 hours since my water broke? no, 3 hours since i started giggling madly at bad comedy tv.

i liked the feeling of the contractions when they would be pushing contractions. at the beginning of each one it felt like opening pain, then towards the end they became pushy. i could feel the wrinkled skin of baby's head. but he didn't descend at all- for what seemed like a long time. (again, time warp!) in my head i started to worry. my fleeting thoughts would include ones like "what if i pushed too soon?" "am i sure i am complete, how can i know?", doubts that made me feel like i should have an expert there to tell me what to do. i knew this was unproductive from the start, though, and sent those bad thoughts off on the train to a new destination. they kept coming back, and i kept fighting them off. for several contractions here i let my body go, i lay back loose in the pool and floated. it was good and bad- i felt like i had nothing solid to touch, which was true. but it also helped me to regain energy for more squatting.

with all my mental energy used up in worry, i started to listen to my body. i felt i needed to change positions. i got out of the tub and labored on my hands and knees for a couple of contractions, then on my left side with the birth ball between my legs, opening them. this wasn't changing anything so i did something i thought impossible, i walked across the house with a baby in my pelvis. i hung from a copper pipe/ bar above a doorway for two contractions, swaying and pulling. after that, i knew i could go back to the tub and i did. anatoly was born very soon after.

i was surprised, though, back in the water, at how quickly things changed. i was out of breath and scared, holding back because the pushing became intense and long. i have never experienced orgasmic birth, but at this point the peak of contractions was something beyond pain, the opposite of pain, somewhere on the other side of a circular scale, hard to put into words. my exhaustion was exhilarating. i needed to call karl in, the baby was coming. it took awhile to come up with the breath to say 'karl' weakly. somehow he heard me and came in. baby *was* coming, and the pain and pressure and force of it was like nothing else. it was hugely emotional, as i wanted to hide from the out-of-controlness and couldnt. my body did this, and i just witnessed it. one contraction and his head was there, the next and it popped out quickly. with one hand under the water i felt him move his head from side to side, and then he wriggled his shoulders, turning them. the width of his body was out of me, and he kicked with his feet to come out. i felt him! karl pulled him up from the water as he slipped out, and he was covered in thick vernix.

the light was really low, but i could see him and karl and i held him to my chest. the cord was so short i could hardly do that. karl called the kids in, and in they ran to see the baby. everything was fast and slow, baby anatoly making squeeky sounds. i attempted to suck at his mouth and nose to see if he had any mucous in his way but he didnt. he took some good breaths and made a little cry. karl gave me a chair in the water and i sat on it, holding toly while he found blankets and a hat. it had been only minutes and my placenta was coming. i barely caught it in a bowl, saved it from the water. baby seemed so small and so did the placenta.

as i tried to get out of the tub, i had some shock- chattering and shaking like i havent before. ( karl took a sharp knife to the placenta and cut the tiniest sliver for under my tongue. i also took cinnamon tincture, it was hard to tell about the blood loss because of the water.) i needed help to stand and move to the couch. karl bundled me and put woolen socks on my feet and i warmed up right away. tristan helped him cut the cord once it was limp. it was amazing to see that the cord was still pulsing long after the placenta was out of me.

giving birth without an audience. being alone was right for me. karl came in to check on me here and there, adding water to the tub or bringing a towel or water. he would ask how i was, did i need anything. but that was all and it was all i needed. i could hear him and the kids in the house and it comforted me just enough. mostly i wanted aloneness and quietness and darkness. this was the first birth that i spent absolutely no time in worrying what people thought of me. never once did i feel ugly, or gross, or ashamed. i was secure because karl loves me, and my children love me, more than anyone has ever loved me. karl has helped deliver all three of our children from my body. it was so right. another thing missing from this experience was trauma. there was pain and doubt and all sorts of things, but no trauma, no wounds to my psyche or body. nothing happened that my body and spirit were not intricately designed to handle. right now i am 2 weeks out from the birth and it is like a perfect dream, sometimes i wonder if it happened already and how it is possible that it is in the past.

this birth was a most treasured experience. everything about it was normal and human and filled with love. we named our third child Anatoly Gustav Wren O'Melay. he was born in the water at 4:01 am after about 4 hours of labor. 8 pounds, 6 ounces. perfect in every way.

the grand design is that i dont need anything for birth. my body gives birth and my spirit falls in love with my child so fiercely that i would die to protect him. it is a perfect design. participation in it is not optional-- this happened to me over and over, now 3 times, and each time a miracle.

Kassiopeia's Birth

I was so impatient in the last couple of weeks.

Some strong contractions came around Thursday afternoon and into the evening, but really not close together or birthy. Monifa, a friend of mine from La Leche League was coming over with her 6 week old son who was born at home. I had called Kristen (my midwife) earlier to discuss some goo I was experiencing, hoping it was normal or maybe even a sign of labor. This was my due date, everyone said not to expect labor that day.

As I relaxed with my friend and her son, nursing my 22 month old boy, Tristan... the contractions picked up a little but again nothing birthy. Karl and then Kristen showed up while my friend was here, Kristen knew my friend Monifa from within the homebirth collective.

Everything seemed healthy to Kristen. She advised me to eat and rest and that is what I tried to do. Karl got mexican food from down the street. Resting- that part didn't work out so well. The pains were too heavy and steady to sleep thru. I laid down in bed and dealt with them while Karl slept and Tristan nursed; After awhile I was tired enough to fall asleep between them. At around 4 am Karl and I both were awake, so we just got up and started our day. The pains were still strong, but I was discouraged and felt like this must not be it. A little later i began having diarrhea and vomitting- that encouraged me but was also not pleasant. I spoke to Kristen a couple of times on the phone. Tristan's labor had been sudden and quite fast. What was this?

All day I labored. We went on a few walks outside in the sun, ran some errands. We must have looked odd, stopping every few minutes so I could hang on Karl or a gate or a parking meter and get through a contraction. It is sort of silly to be in labor out in public, but honestly it didnt matter where I was. I wanted to pass time, get through this part, move on.

In the afternoon I called Kristen completely heartbroken. the contractions were still there but not very close together. I became fearful that this wasn't going anywhere and it was all a waste of energy. It had already been so hard, and it was nothing like my son's labor, I didnt understand it. a huge part of my mind was reserved for worrying it would stop and I would have to do all this work all over again. I remember asking her, "Could this go on for days!?", and I don't remember her saying no. She said she would be over in 20 minutes to see how things were.

While I was waiting for her to come, the contractions stopped. I felt a failure. She came and I had a couple as she settled in and we chatted. She checked my vitals, my pee and such... like a prenatal visit. when it came time to check my cervix (at my request) I was waiting for the bad news. But no! She said I'd done good work, things were happening, I would be having my baby! (I didnt realize until later that she hadn't told me how many centimeters or anything.)

The contractions immediately picked up the pace. I didn't make the connection right away, that her encouragement had allowed my labor to move onto the next stage. I really think that the first day of this labor was emotional labor... getting past the expectations I had and moving on, letting this be a new birth. Of course it was incredible physical work as well.

I was laboring in the bathroom, on my knees supporting myself over the tub, standing leaning over the sink, they were coming fast and hard now. Kristen changed places with Karl and told me she needed to start setting up her supplies. I remember saying "You're staying?" I still didn't believe that this was it, even though I was obviously in active labor and would give birth less than 4 hours later.

Calls were made, the people who were attending showed up here and there. The second midwife: Danu, was there for obvious reasons. My friend Christine, as support and photographer. Another friend Victoria with her 2 1/2 yr old son Griffin came to support me and be with Tristan. My birth team was incredible. Kristen and Danu were an awesome couple, they truly belonged in the room. I had been warned not to have too many people- but everything was perfect. My friends and partner and midwives and children all belonged there, I needed them. I know I could have birthed without them all, but i am glad they were there.

I needed focus and I needed people to hold onto me. I couldn't labor alone. I spoke to my daughter the whole time, through each contraction I called to her and cheered her and myself on and tried to at least sound strong to convince myself I could do this- living the moment when I could hold her.

At the time that Kristen first checked my progress, she had felt baby was slightly posterior. Some position changes (lunging between contractions) must have turned her a bit and let her present better. Labor was increasing very quickly. I could feel my cervix opening... the pain of this labor was immense. WIth Tristan I was out of my mind- it really was as if I was on mind altering drugs. This birth was incredibly sober- I was present for every sensation... there was no mental escape, I felt no "Laborland"... I think this was because I wasn't afraid in the same way. I was at home. With people that love me.

My mind was free to pore over the facts of this labor that I was doing. I spoke all my issues out loud to deal with the pains. I said , "These are only sensations. They cant hurt us. They go through us and do their work and they go away. We cant hold onto them, they just go away". I thought of all the women who had done it before. I sweated and stared at my hands as they twisted the quilt on the bed and waited for moments to pass in what seemed perfect silence except for my voice.

All through the labor I felt her move inside of me... kicking and turning and even at one point having the hiccups. She was active and aware and she helped me through it. Her heartbeat was steady and perfect .

I needed to move. I labored in the doorway, on the bed, on the ball leaning into Karl's lap. Everyone was there. Christine was taking pictures after having taken Tristan out for a bit- I couldn't handle Tristan at all. His cry made me feel desperate. Victoria came and took Tristan out for a walk with his buddy and to get ice cream. They were gone for most of the labor, checking in from time to time. I clearly remember them coming in at one point, and Tristan running over to my naked breasts to nurse a bit on each one.

The position I was in as I neared what would be transition was a sitting one- I sat at the edge of my low futon and leaned my head into Karl's lap as he sat on a sturdy chair. the midwives sat on either side of me and I felt their hands on my back supporting me. In between pains all would be quiet and I looked around at my birth team. Peering from where my head was buried in Karl's shoulder, I reached out my hand to Christine. She smiled at me. I wanted to find peace in labor. Nothing felt right, though, it all felt wrong and unbearable and I vocalized this over and over, at first speaking powerful phrases and slowly drifting into powerless babble over the course of a contraction. I felt like I had a big roadblock to overcome- I didnt want it to hurt anymore, I knew it had to. I didnt want to have to do the rest of the work. But I wanted to meet my girl.

The midwives consulted a bit, and gave me a homeopathic remedy (Pulsatilla) that seemed to immediately take effect and let me move forward.

Its a little funny to me how my mind worked in labor. But whatever I thought and felt worked itself out, eventually, and my body opened to let my daughter out. I felt every moment of it, and every moment in between, and I simply tried to survive it. Making sound, lots of sound. Reminding myself what the end result would be. It is so interesting how acknowledging pain doesn't lessen it, it feels as if all humankind's wisdom is useless against it- I looked at it and said, you cant hurt me, and yet it hurt really badly. I've now seen first hand that logic has no place in birth.

The contractions were huge and solid and bigger than me in a way I can't describe. Long, long, long... as they ended my upper body became weightless and I felt as if I was dying. This feeling was not unpleasant at all. My arms and chest were light and tickled and tingled and I became breathless. I could feel the sweat on my skin cool. I said, I know there is heaven in this. I feel like I am going away. I was powerless, an object on the sand at the beach washing around, unable to resist, just staying afloat.

Victoria returned with Tristan and her son. Their timing was perfect. I didn't see them, I was consumed.
The midwives said, you have to move forward, there isn't room for your baby to be born here. (I was on the edge of the bed.) They helped me move forward onto my knees with my upper body still laying in Karl's lap. I thought, what is the rush here, my baby will never be born.

They helped me forward, and the force rose in my body and she was coming. I didnt push- I witnessed my body's work. My water broke, time froze and crept with each contraction and she was born eight minutes later, suddenly, on the rug by my bed. I lifted her between my legs and laid her on my chest. She barely squealed.

Her eyes opened. She was mine, all the work and pain was gone. I felt like I woke from a dream. Suddenly I saw everyone around me.

Oh! my perfect baby! Finally! The moments after she came are perhaps the best way to show the difference between home and hospital birth- I pulled her up between my own legs, she was never taken from me. It was my time. The midwives were so respectful of us, coming with blankets to put over her and changing the pads underneath me, but not interfering with the wonderfully Holy thing that was happening. I was looking into my daughter's eyes, she seemed to have always been here. Her smell filled the room. I was empowered, allowed to bask in this moment of glory with my baby. Every mother deserves it.

My baby girl began to nurse right away. Seeing this, Tristan ran over and put his mouth to my free breast- but then immediately pulled off and gagged saying "be yucky!" - I had blood on my nipples and hadn't noticed. It took him a while to forgive me. He was confused and a little scared by the umbilical cord. After I moved to the bed from the floor he pointed to the place on the rug where she came out and said over and over, "I see a baby there! I see a baby there!".

In the time after the birth I was thrilled and excited, but also cold and hungry. The placenta was born, they cleaned me and checked me and brought new blankets for my girl. I ate a fresh peach and some oatmeal. I was able to take a shower after some time- a real shower in my own bathroom! Everyone gathered around me and praised the work I had done in labor. With my son, I had been alone so soon after his birth. This time, I was surrounded! It was perfect! I am in awe of birth in a new way. Tristan's birth was mostly a physical experience- the hospital environment forced me to be on guard and didn't give me the space to feel the spiritual transformation that was occurring. Sappy, cliche, whatever, I feel as if I had to go to heaven to claim Kassi, that I had to abandon my body a little, and now she is here, and I am so blessed.

All was well, Kassiopeia Saffron Rose O'Melay is here. 7 pounds and 10 ounces, she was born at 8:19 pm on the 18th of June. All our waiting was over. We climbed into our bed and we slept. I had a homebirth, I did it. As I write this Kassi is 3 days, 11 hours, and 2 minutes old.

Tristan's Birth

tristan was 'due' on a sunday. we walked down the street to our church. the street is lined with sycamore trees, and in august the leaves are huge and cover the way in shade.

on august 8th, 4 days later, i walked across the street to the pool. i spent a great deal of time in the water. at this point, though, it was just kicking my legs and cooling off. tristan shifted inside of me. there was no longer room for flipping and kicking.

we had hired a doula- makini duewa. she was perfect for us. i was afraid of the hospital and didn't have a good relationship with the nurse midwife who was to attend. both karl and i loved makini straight away. was i afraid of birth? not much anymore. i was ready, tired of waiting. i knew i would only know what it was like while it was happening. i was ready to face it and get through it.

i finished swimming about and dried off. walking out the door of the pool the director there asked, "when are you going to have that baby?" she always asked. usually i would say, "when he's ready!". that day i said "maybe today!"

i grabbed the mail as i went upstairs. called my mother about a phone bill and while discussing it had a few contractions. i stopped speaking while they occurred and my mother asks, 'are you sure you are not in labor?' no, i said, i am never going to have this baby! i had contractions all week. despite my knowledge that due dates don't mean anything at all, i was impatient and disgruntled.

but when i hung up the phone, i thought perhaps this was 'it'. another contraction. ok, this is it! i called Karl, he was on his way home but had to stop by and drop some papers off on the way. Ok, i said. another contraction. i called makini's cell phone. no answer. left a message. called again. another contraction, sitting in the rocking chair- yeeeow. i threw the phone down on the floor and the battery fell out of it.

i sat in the bathroom waiting for karl. my heart sank as i felt pain. someone had once told me their labor was painless and i had secretly nurtured hope for my labor. this hurt, bad. i even thought, this was a bad idea, i change my mind i don't want a baby!

i didn't sit and think wow i am going to give birth at last! there was no revelation. i couldn't. from the time the pains began they rapidly increased in intensity. when karl came home, we tried the tub to slow things down but it did nothing. i lay over my birth ball with the shower on my back. i felt extremely claustrophobic in the water.

i remember little of the hours that followed. makini came. i labored on the rug leaning on the futon. i began to vomit and could not stop. the sensations of labor felt not of this earth. i remember moments in the dark on my floor where i wished my hands could be rooted in the hardwood to keep me from falling. i was loud and moved crazily rocking and twisting my hips. there was no tabitha, i was out of my head. this was the Labor Land i read about.

i was at home for 7 hours after the first pains on the phone with my mother. the midwife was called repeatedly, and she would gauge by my sounds in the background whether it was time for me to come. finally, it was. i had been laboring naked at home and karl grabbed me a pair of pants. pants! no way! i wore a little tank nightgown instead. the bag was grabbed. we walked downstairs. here i remember crossing the street to the car and seeing our neighbor in the streetlights. everything was yellow from them. karl had to run up and get the car seat, we'd forgotten it. i began to be afraid, having left my dark nest.

the drive was terrifying. every light was red on the way to the hospital. the car was the least comfortable place i had ever been. at last, we arrived. my body was on the brink of transition. i was shaking and shuddering. i couldn't walk, my legs didn't work. we made it inside and to a wheelchair (perhaps the second least comfortable place i have ever been) and up to the floor where babies are usually born.

the nurses were cold to me. one, smacking chewing gum, said 'now honey, were gonna have to get you in triage you calm down.' i wasn't able to speak. i made these sounds. they made me lay on my back on a white table with a monitor. the lights above me were so bright and fluorescent. my labor stopped but the pain didn't. it was one long pain- the protest from my body at this torture. i begged for water and they said no. karl kept begging for me. it wasn't until we got to our room that my labor began again. the lights were off, it was dark once more, and they gave me water.

Nora. she was the nurse on duty. I didn't like her at first. She stuck an IV in my arm without asking or telling. I was still vomiting with every contraction and i was back in Labor Land. I barely noticed the IV. I was up on the bed, they made me wear the monitor again. mostly i labored on my hands and knees. the monitor put me on my back. agony.

when the nurse midwife arrived she demanded that i get in the shower. i didn't feel like moving was possible at all. i had a strong feeling that everyone was talking about me but my mind wasn't available to listen. The i heard a bit- Nora talking to the midwife said, "I think she needs something for the pain." No! I said. Then i began to think about it. They could make it all stop. My mind, so vulnerable, clung to the thought of a switch that would turn off the pain. Of course in this state i wasn't able to think of what an epidural would really mean for me and my baby.

I was in the shower as i was told. I hung from Karl's arm and makini waved a fan at me. The fan said "Jamaica." My memory has pictures of the fan, flash images of the water showering me and the blood flowing down the drain. All along makini had grounded me, saying "This one is like a wave. It has a beginning and an end. Here it is beginning, here it is peaking, here it is ending. Now, it is over, you did it." I had found it quite helpful and comforting. Suddenly they had no beginning or end. She began her words again and i yelled, "NO, Stop! Just stop! it isn't true! There is no end!"

I begged for drugs. Karl said, "Sure, you can have drugs, but first we are going to call you mother and tell her you gave up." I think i hit him, but i never mentioned drugs again.

Nora, now aware of my desire for a natural birth, was beginning to annoy me. She said, hearing my wails and moans "What a lovely birth song!" I never found the time to tell her to shut up. The midwife checked my dilation and broke my waters (without asking or telling me) and it was time for my baby to come.

Up on the table, half squatting, I pushed like they told me. It seemed like a long time but didn't hurt in the same way that transition had. They tried to gather round and cheer me. I felt i had to escape it by going into myself. I closed my eyes almost the entire time, ignored the lights that were now on full blast. I touched tristan's head with my hand and felt it come down slowly. The midwife came in, directed more pushing. I recall opening my eyes and looking at Karl. "I love you," i said.

As tristan's head crowned the midwife told me to lay on my back. This had not been the plan, but i had to do it. When his head came out i cried out 'O my god that feels so good!' The midwife claimed his shoulders were stuck. She pulled hiim out by his neck and he was here, screaming, they laid him on me. Lord, he was beautiful. I wont, i will not, i could never forget him- his face and hands and his cries that were so loud and quiet all at once.

the the hospital began to creep into our moment as a family. they started to worry us- i didnt understand why he would not stop crying. I secretly prayed and held him and was convinced he might die. A doctor i didnt know came in and said, its time to take him to the nursery. I said, no, we are keeping him. The doctor said, "you need to stop thinking of yourself!"

the phone rang. here i was moments after birth and the phone was- for me? who could possible know i was there? it was another doctor i had never met, urging me to let them take my son. I was afraid. I didn't want to let them get to me but they had. Karl took tristan down to the nursery and i was there with makini. She gave me a rice cake with seaweed in it. Best damn rice cake i have ever tasted.

I wrapped myself in a sheet and walked down to the nursery when no one was looking. I peeked behind me on the way out and saw a huge pool of blood under the bed. O my.

As i entered the nursery it was quiet. There they were- Karl holding our son letting warm water flow over the top of his head, and Tristan was peaceful. Water brings him peace to this day.

The drama of the hospital didn't end there- but it is something i want to let go of, not dwell on. I will never go back to a hospital for birth. Some of my least powerful feelings were felt there, in the time where i should have felt my most powerful. Goodbye, hospital.

There is no way to describe the moment of birth to someone who has not been there. But every mother i know gets a certain look in her eyes when she talks about it, and i know they understand.

I gave birth without drugs or injury after 9 hours of labor. Tristan was born at 1:07 am on the 9th of August. He was 8 pounds, 10 ounces, and 21 inches long. Perfectly healthy. I am finally writing this days before his second birthday. Can you believe it.