on august 8th, 4 days later, i walked across the street to the pool. i spent a great deal of time in the water. at this point, though, it was just kicking my legs and cooling off. tristan shifted inside of me. there was no longer room for flipping and kicking.
we had hired a doula- makini duewa. she was perfect for us. i was afraid of the hospital and didn't have a good relationship with the nurse midwife who was to attend. both karl and i loved makini straight away. was i afraid of birth? not much anymore. i was ready, tired of waiting. i knew i would only know what it was like while it was happening. i was ready to face it and get through it.
i finished swimming about and dried off. walking out the door of the pool the director there asked, "when are you going to have that baby?" she always asked. usually i would say, "when he's ready!". that day i said "maybe today!"
i grabbed the mail as i went upstairs. called my mother about a phone bill and while discussing it had a few contractions. i stopped speaking while they occurred and my mother asks, 'are you sure you are not in labor?' no, i said, i am never going to have this baby! i had contractions all week. despite my knowledge that due dates don't mean anything at all, i was impatient and disgruntled.
but when i hung up the phone, i thought perhaps this was 'it'. another contraction. ok, this is it! i called Karl, he was on his way home but had to stop by and drop some papers off on the way. Ok, i said. another contraction. i called makini's cell phone. no answer. left a message. called again. another contraction, sitting in the rocking chair- yeeeow. i threw the phone down on the floor and the battery fell out of it.
i sat in the bathroom waiting for karl. my heart sank as i felt pain. someone had once told me their labor was painless and i had secretly nurtured hope for my labor. this hurt, bad. i even thought, this was a bad idea, i change my mind i don't want a baby!
i didn't sit and think wow i am going to give birth at last! there was no revelation. i couldn't. from the time the pains began they rapidly increased in intensity. when karl came home, we tried the tub to slow things down but it did nothing. i lay over my birth ball with the shower on my back. i felt extremely claustrophobic in the water.
i remember little of the hours that followed. makini came. i labored on the rug leaning on the futon. i began to vomit and could not stop. the sensations of labor felt not of this earth. i remember moments in the dark on my floor where i wished my hands could be rooted in the hardwood to keep me from falling. i was loud and moved crazily rocking and twisting my hips. there was no tabitha, i was out of my head. this was the Labor Land i read about.
i was at home for 7 hours after the first pains on the phone with my mother. the midwife was called repeatedly, and she would gauge by my sounds in the background whether it was time for me to come. finally, it was. i had been laboring naked at home and karl grabbed me a pair of pants. pants! no way! i wore a little tank nightgown instead. the bag was grabbed. we walked downstairs. here i remember crossing the street to the car and seeing our neighbor in the streetlights. everything was yellow from them. karl had to run up and get the car seat, we'd forgotten it. i began to be afraid, having left my dark nest.
the drive was terrifying. every light was red on the way to the hospital. the car was the least comfortable place i had ever been. at last, we arrived. my body was on the brink of transition. i was shaking and shuddering. i couldn't walk, my legs didn't work. we made it inside and to a wheelchair (perhaps the second least comfortable place i have ever been) and up to the floor where babies are usually born.
the nurses were cold to me. one, smacking chewing gum, said 'now honey, were gonna have to get you in triage you calm down.' i wasn't able to speak. i made these sounds. they made me lay on my back on a white table with a monitor. the lights above me were so bright and fluorescent. my labor stopped but the pain didn't. it was one long pain- the protest from my body at this torture. i begged for water and they said no. karl kept begging for me. it wasn't until we got to our room that my labor began again. the lights were off, it was dark once more, and they gave me water.
Nora. she was the nurse on duty. I didn't like her at first. She stuck an IV in my arm without asking or telling. I was still vomiting with every contraction and i was back in Labor Land. I barely noticed the IV. I was up on the bed, they made me wear the monitor again. mostly i labored on my hands and knees. the monitor put me on my back. agony.
when the nurse midwife arrived she demanded that i get in the shower. i didn't feel like moving was possible at all. i had a strong feeling that everyone was talking about me but my mind wasn't available to listen. The i heard a bit- Nora talking to the midwife said, "I think she needs something for the pain." No! I said. Then i began to think about it. They could make it all stop. My mind, so vulnerable, clung to the thought of a switch that would turn off the pain. Of course in this state i wasn't able to think of what an epidural would really mean for me and my baby.
I was in the shower as i was told. I hung from Karl's arm and makini waved a fan at me. The fan said "Jamaica." My memory has pictures of the fan, flash images of the water showering me and the blood flowing down the drain. All along makini had grounded me, saying "This one is like a wave. It has a beginning and an end. Here it is beginning, here it is peaking, here it is ending. Now, it is over, you did it." I had found it quite helpful and comforting. Suddenly they had no beginning or end. She began her words again and i yelled, "NO, Stop! Just stop! it isn't true! There is no end!"
I begged for drugs. Karl said, "Sure, you can have drugs, but first we are going to call you mother and tell her you gave up." I think i hit him, but i never mentioned drugs again.
Nora, now aware of my desire for a natural birth, was beginning to annoy me. She said, hearing my wails and moans "What a lovely birth song!" I never found the time to tell her to shut up. The midwife checked my dilation and broke my waters (without asking or telling me) and it was time for my baby to come.
Up on the table, half squatting, I pushed like they told me. It seemed like a long time but didn't hurt in the same way that transition had. They tried to gather round and cheer me. I felt i had to escape it by going into myself. I closed my eyes almost the entire time, ignored the lights that were now on full blast. I touched tristan's head with my hand and felt it come down slowly. The midwife came in, directed more pushing. I recall opening my eyes and looking at Karl. "I love you," i said.
As tristan's head crowned the midwife told me to lay on my back. This had not been the plan, but i had to do it. When his head came out i cried out 'O my god that feels so good!' The midwife claimed his shoulders were stuck. She pulled hiim out by his neck and he was here, screaming, they laid him on me. Lord, he was beautiful. I wont, i will not, i could never forget him- his face and hands and his cries that were so loud and quiet all at once.
the the hospital began to creep into our moment as a family. they started to worry us- i didnt understand why he would not stop crying. I secretly prayed and held him and was convinced he might die. A doctor i didnt know came in and said, its time to take him to the nursery. I said, no, we are keeping him. The doctor said, "you need to stop thinking of yourself!"
the phone rang. here i was moments after birth and the phone was- for me? who could possible know i was there? it was another doctor i had never met, urging me to let them take my son. I was afraid. I didn't want to let them get to me but they had. Karl took tristan down to the nursery and i was there with makini. She gave me a rice cake with seaweed in it. Best damn rice cake i have ever tasted.
I wrapped myself in a sheet and walked down to the nursery when no one was looking. I peeked behind me on the way out and saw a huge pool of blood under the bed. O my.
As i entered the nursery it was quiet. There they were- Karl holding our son letting warm water flow over the top of his head, and Tristan was peaceful. Water brings him peace to this day.
The drama of the hospital didn't end there- but it is something i want to let go of, not dwell on. I will never go back to a hospital for birth. Some of my least powerful feelings were felt there, in the time where i should have felt my most powerful. Goodbye, hospital.
There is no way to describe the moment of birth to someone who has not been there. But every mother i know gets a certain look in her eyes when she talks about it, and i know they understand.
I gave birth without drugs or injury after 9 hours of labor. Tristan was born at 1:07 am on the 9th of August. He was 8 pounds, 10 ounces, and 21 inches long. Perfectly healthy. I am finally writing this days before his second birthday. Can you believe it.
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